It was the same but different. There was no turning back for Lisea and me. I had entered uncharted waters, and yet I knew that was as it was meant to be. I had always known that.
There was something that I could not reach. A forgotten memory perhaps. It felt like an exile. Yet, all was familiar. Daily life did not have rules—of course—but the rules had been changed. Perception had shifted by a degree.
What were we meant to be? What was I meant to do? Asking the question made it sound absurd. I had never been a great believer in meaning. The question seemed to insist itself on me ever since my exile began. It did not mean anything is what I said to myself. Take that either way.
If there were a meaning to it all, that meaning was a mystery. It was an unknown and unknowable meaning. If so, then such a meaning itself seemed to have no meaning. I could say, more plainly, what did it matter if there were a meaning that could not be known? From my perspective, there might just as well be no meaning.
It was a troubling situation, but it rarely bothered me. More important than meaning, it seemed to me, was the way of being. I could choose a way of being. We could adapt our ways of being. We had that choice.
A way was part instinct, part inclination. It happened, most of the time, without conscious thought. We lived on autopilot until something, some event or some spark of thought brought our course to the surface to be examined, adjusted, recalibrated. Then, with the new parameters factored in, we resumed autopilot.
Some other stuff for later,
- 95There was no turning back from our exile. My life continued. Though living seemed optional, the alternative was complicated as much as it was inevitable. Did I live to avoid the complication of dying? There was more to it than that, I thought. Of course there was. But what was…
- 81Three years into exile, and I knew that I would become “old” soon enough. Maybe I was already. I hoped to be one of those people who enjoyed good health and a sharp mind right up until the end, but for many people, some sort of affliction came with the…
- 80How’s that retirement thing working out for you? At halfway through the third year of retirement, I am, doubtless, beyond the novelty phase. No longer can I claim to be at all tentative about the condition. I am by now committed to the project. My sentiments are generally positive about…